


Appearances

by orchidbreezefc



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: HRT, M/M, Rating subject to change, Trans Male Character, gender transition, top surgery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-16 21:57:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20609981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orchidbreezefc/pseuds/orchidbreezefc
Summary: Sammy moving with Ben is the best choice they could have made in the circumstances given to them. It does complicate the fact that Ben has never medically transitioned, though.





	Appearances

**Author's Note:**

> I've been holding onto this one for a long time, and I have a lot of ideas and very little actual plan, as usual. BUT sometimes you haven't posted for a while and you have a full chapter burning a hole in your notes and then you gotta do what you gotta do.
> 
> CW for depression/suicidal ideation/self loathing, because Sammy Stevens.

A month after Sammy moved in with Ben, things had settled into something like a real home. Ben didn't regret his choice, and anyone who insinuated that Sammy was a pity case or a burden could enjoy a black eye courtesy of Ben. The only exception was Sammy himself, who very much agreed with those sentiments in his worse moments.

All the same, there was at least one undeniably unpleasant side effect to the new arrangement: by February Ben's chest pain had worsened considerably. Ben hadn't had a roommate since coming out, and now was faced with the ugly truth that wearing a binder day in and day out in his own home was unsustainable.

They sat down and had a talk about it, or more accurately, Sammy decided enough was enough. He knew enough from being with Jack to be somewhat familiar with the health risks, and he'd had the question on his mind for years: "Why haven't you ever gotten top surgery or been on HRT?"

Anticlimactically enough, Ben just shrugged. "Never got around to the paperwork and applications and seeing the doctors and shit. I mean, I'm in radio, doesn't matter how I look as long as I sound the part. I figured I was fine as-is."

That was how Sammy ended up helping with the forms and phone calls and making sure Ben got to his intakes. Ben, in turn, conceded that he could exchange the binder for a baggy hoodie, at least at home with only Sammy around. By the month was out they had a date for the surgery: they'd do it in August, and start testosterone in March.

To say Ben was excited wouldn't begin to cover it. He was incandescent. Emily and Troy put together a party for him, since Sammy had only his experience of Shotgun's parties to draw on, and nobody wanted that kind of thing anywhere near King Falls. They styled it after a gender reveal party, complete with an 'it's a boy!' banner that made Ben howl with laughter. All the friends, and a few frenemies, of the show showed up, and if tears were shed by anyone, nobody needed to say a word about it.

Sammy was so goddamn happy and proud. He drove Ben to every appointment he could manage--which was all of them, since he was semi-unemployed. After all, the clinic was out of town and Ben's car was enough of a death trap _inside_ city limits. Sammy picked up prescriptions, dropped off sharps. Hell, he knelt on the bathroom floor next to Ben sitting on the toilet and talked him through the needle anxiety the first few times.

The physical results started showing up soon after. Ben Arnold, Theater Kid Extraordinaire, had always been a master of vocal training, so his voice didn't change too much, other than some of the squeaks and cracks smoothing over. But the rest of it Sammy wouldn't have been able to miss even if Ben hadn't pointed out each change with delight. His jawline hardened, the definition of his cheekbones grew sharper, he had to shave for the first time--god, what a joyful and much-anticipated day that was. When they went out to celebrate, Rose gave Ben free pancake puppies like it was his birthday.

One Monday morning in June found Sammy leaning in the doorway of the bathroom, watching with amused fondness as Ben ran a hand over his own features in glee in the mirror. "Look at the jaw on me, dude! I could kill a man with my face. You could wield me in battle."

"That chin could take out Gunderson's other eye," Sammy agreed, and Ben laughed, loud and joyous. Sammy followed Ben's gestures with his eyes, raking his gaze over his face as directed, and just barely caught the thought as it passed: _God, he's gorgeous_.

Sammy would have loved to pass it off as a fleeting thought if it hadn't carried immediately behind it the weight of a revelation, unmovable and heavy with inevitability. He had always cared deeply for Ben Arnold, of course he had. Of course Ben had always set a warm glow in his core that made him feel like he could make it through any cold. Of course he adored Ben, because after everything they'd been through, there's no way Sammy couldn't love him so much it ached.

But all of that tipped sideways with the fact Sammy could no longer deny: that he was hopelessly and magnetically _attracted_ to Ben, above and beyond him being good-looking. It was true that Ben Arnold, top tier goofball, was always in the top three most handsome men Sammy knew, but now he had transformed into a figure only describable as _sexy_. Sammy hadn't wanted to admit it even in the privacy of his own head, but now the thought was out there, with no way he could deny it.

And what could he do about it? Sammy stopping his stomach from lurching every time Ben gave a smoky, no longer dorkily squeaky laugh would be like trying to stop the path of the stars. Sammy could no more keep himself from imagining the feel of Ben's new stubble on his lips than he could control the wind in the mountain trees. The twinges of heat in his abdomen when Ben wore his tightest shirt, now so small on him that it strains over his lean muscle, were as irrefutable as the presence of the sun in the sky.

And then August, and top surgery. That was even farther out of town, but it wasn't like they had any radio shows to attend to with the station still broken down. Sammy drove Ben to that too, and of course there was no way to drive him back immediately while he was still recovering, so they made a hotel reservation.

Damned if Sammy was going to let Ben pay for the hotel room just for him the first night, though, no matter how many times Ben insisted it was fine. Neither of them mentioned that Sammy could have just paid for it himself, which may or may not have been an intentional move on at least Sammy's part to allow him to stay the night in Ben's hospital room.

Either way, they were left at an impasse, so despite Ben's only-half-joking comments about his concern for Sammy's old man back sleeping in the chair, Sammy stayed. It was absolutely the right decision, to stay with Ben and hold his hand and watch his sleeping, knocked-out-on-painkillers face and feel just so goddamn proud. Sammy would stay a hundred times over, and in none of those scenarios would he tell Ben that it did in fact leave him with a terrible ache in three places.

It's quite possible that in every scenario of Sammy's life would have brought him here, he reflects. Not just here, sleeping in a shitty hospital chair, but here, in King Falls, supporting Ben in every way he knows how. Here, as his goddamn roommate because Ben couldn't stand Sammy sleeping so far away after what neither of them wants to admit was a suicide attempt. Because Sammy couldn't stand another night in his rented space that he finally had to admit was never going to be a home.

And now he's with Ben, watching him do something he's not sure he would ever have had the guts to do, in his place. Sammy hates being told he's brave for being who he is, when he had no choice in the matter and even no choice in letting people know. But when he looks at Ben, he sees why people say it. He sees all that courage people think is in Sammy just because he still hasn't just keeled over yet--and even that's not for lack of trying.

Sammy wishes he could transfer onto Ben all the praise Sammy doesn't deserve, because Ben actually is all those things Sammy isn't: wildly courageous and unabashedly himself and ready to fight at a moment's notice for the right to stay that way. Sammy thinks of the day Gunderson came to the station, and the way Sammy knuckled under in a way Ben never would have. A way Jack never would have.

The next morning, Ben eventually comes to, and Sammy immediately puts aside the shitty outdated magazine the hospital had furnished him with. Ben stirs awake and blinks at Sammy, eyes still hazy from painkillers.

"Hi, Ben. How do you feel?"

"Got, um... shit off my chest," Ben mutters groggily. "Was important that I said that."

Sammy chuckles, because of course Ben's priority would be the shitty pun. He covers Ben's hand with his. "Close enough, bud."

According to the doctor, the pending hormone imbalance Ben's body is supposed to undergo will temporarily affect his mood. Ben is indeed sullen and quiet for a while when he's more aware, rather than the exuberant happiness Sammy might have expected otherwise. Sammy just sits by his side and reminds Ben occasionally that he made the right decision and that Sammy is very proud. Ben makes a little 'hmph' like he knows that, but doesn't want to hear it at the moment. He wordlessly shoves his hand over the edge of the bed and Sammy wordlessly acquiesces and holds it while Ben goes back to sleep.

By the time they get to the hotel, Ben's mood has improved somewhat. They stay in for the day watching TV and Sammy eats applesauce and mashed potatoes in solidarity with Ben. The next day they walk around the hotel a little; the day after that Ben is back to normal foods, and also to his usual exuberance, multiplied due to his excitement. Sammy has to keep him from getting too enthusiastic with his gestures, but the way Ben can't stop smiling is worth the hassle.

They drive back to King Falls after that and meet up for brunch with Troy, Emily, and Betty. Again Sammy does his best to control Ben's excitement so he doesn't pull something, but there's only so much he can do to keep Ben calm on the best of days. Ben has always been a strong hugger, and apparently the main point of contact being numb does nothing to deter him.

Ben wants to continue hanging out and celebrating for much longer than his stamina can realistically sustain, and all three of the others have Sammy's back in taking him home to rest after the long drive. Fortunately Sammy doesn't have to literally drag or carry Ben out once Emily gives him her stern librarian look.

"This party," Ben says determinedly, "is not over."

"Of course not, Benny," Emily soothes.

"First day of the rest of your life," Sammy adds, and gets Ben's elbow when he continues, "for better or worse." But Ben can't hide his budding smile, not really, and faced with that expression, having a 'rest of your life' to live doesn't seem that bad to Sammy for once.


End file.
